About My First Embracing Feelings Book

   I'd aimed to complete this book by the mid 1990s, but it was held off due to various types of difficulties in my life. In 1999 I had pulled it together and was adding to it in 2000 and early 2001. Then the completed manuscript was destroyed in a fire, that raged through my home, in May of 2001. I started trying to resurrect it in September 2001, while it was being repeatedly erased from my computers and storage devices by a person whom I was staying with and that I now believe was also drugging me into a numbness that made it all very difficult. I tried to stick with it through the 9/11 disaster happening, but couldn't. I abandoned the project, flew to Peru and literally sat on a street in Cusco Peru crying about the 9/11 disaster and war breaking out. In 2002 I started again to resurrect my Embracing Feelings  book after buying a cabin in New York - far away from everything. But difficulties followed me there and the sudden tragic death of my little brother was a huge distraction, but I continued. The 2003 edition was not all that it originally was and needed to be, but it was finished. Then in 2011 I altered it even more and renamed it, which I should not have done. There are many parts of the original book that are not in its current Embracing Sadness edition. I want to succeed with resurrecting the original book and ad things I have realized since then. Some of it was destroyed with no way of remembering it fully, but I remember the general things I'd put into it. Below I will share a bit about this book.


What Inspired my Embracing Feelings Book?
   Most of this book, particularly the poems that are about my childhood, was actually written in the late 1980s as I launched into a period of embracing feelings that I'd suppressed during difficult times in my childhood.
      In 1986 I had undergone a second surgery on my spine and ended up with some nerve damage, which effected my right leg. I aimed to physically heal and took a yoga class at a church. I also stopped drinking coffee and stopped smoking cigarettes. And stopping these addictions appears to be what opened my heart to a degree that enabled suppressed pain to start surfacing. This was a difficult and confusing time for me. I turned to my family members for validation and support of some childhood experiences, but they did not understand what I was going through. Some of them intensely pushed me to not look back at or think about the past. One of my sisters had even tried to convince me that there was something wrong with me for wanting to look back and for feeling sad about past losses and painful experiences. Some were also telling me that the problem was that I was "too sensitive."
   The problem was really that we had difficult times that were suppressed and never talked about. But I became convinced that there was really something wrong with me, for a while. I even went with this sister to a psychiatrist whom she had set up an appointment with for me. While I was there the man didn't even talk to me, he talked with my sister and she told him that I was suddenly looking back at my childhood and feeling sadness. He seemed to agree with her that there was something wrong with me. He wanted to start seeing me. But, I didn't feel comfortable with him so I never went back to see him and sought help elsewhere.
   I found a really good counselor who actually got angry about the fact that people had convinced me that there was something wrong with me for suddenly starting to look at and feel sad about parts of my past. This counselor told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that what I was experiencing was a good and natural healing thing. She told me that I should stick with my process of fully feeling and releasing my pain until I was finished. I joined the group therapy sessions that she was leading, as well as seeing her (one on one) for a while. She also assured me that I was not "too sensitive," and maybe even should let myself be more sensitive. She rebuilt my faith and trust in myself and helped me to know that there was nothing wrong with me - that I really am OK just the way I am. I was so glad to have found her. Her wisdom and understanding was a great gift for me, one that I still treasure.
   I also got a lot of validation from other things like the Homecoming series that John Bradshaw had aired on channel two around this time, which was suggested by my counselor. My little inner child cried and cried and cried through the whole Homecoming series. It was a cathartic release for me. VERY healing. I dove deep into the process of fully embracing my 'inner child' and releasing suppressed feelings of sadness. I even later started doing certain types of breathing exercises, in order to intentionally trigger the release of suppressed feelings. And I began to feel and be more whole and healthy.
   I now cringe to think of what could have happened to me if I hadn't found that kind and wise counselor. And I cringe to think of what has been happening to uncountable numbers of other people who are pushed, from the time of being a young child, to suppress their natural feelings and then are degraded, as if there is 'something wrong with them', if the feelings ever resurface to be released, which they naturally do, eventually.
   I don't blame my family members for not understanding my sudden need to look back in the 1980s. We were all oblivious to this sort of healing process, back then, myself included. It appears that much of humanity has been trapped in that same type of oblivion. Even many psychiatrists have been convincing people that there is something wrong with them and then drugging/suppressing/hurting them for just experiencing natural feelings, instead of encouraging a healthy grieving period so that the pain can be released. I began to realize, after getting a job in a mental health facility in the mid 1990s, that this push to suppress feelings, and actually prevent healing with psychiatric pharmaceuticals, was happening on large scales and was even being done to children, who were just having normal feelings or are sometimes merely experiencing symptoms that are caused from the consumption of things like the caffeine and sugars that are in sodas...etc. I left that job and aimed to finish my Embracing Feelings book - which I felt could help solve the problem.
  After many years of doing rounds of embracing and releasing suppressed pains, and also witnessing this process in others, I began to realize that suppressing feelings of grief blocks our Hearts and that fully feeling them - releasing the pain opens our Hearts to feeling deeper levels of Love and Compassion for ourselves as well as others. I also began to realize that the suppression of feelings has been blocking the Heart of humanity to degrees that are extremely unhealthy, and that this should be realized by all of humanity and completely stopped from continuing. As I realized this I knew that I had found my calling - my life purpose. My yearn to write about and share my process of Embracing Feelings and healing, as well as encouraging others to do the same, is something that rose strong from the deepest depths of my very soul. Its something that I know I have to be doing with my life. Its my work, my job, my mission, my life purpose.

    Since the 1990s I have realized that the problem of the Heart of humanity being blocked is far worse than I had initially thought. On a global scale, the general process, of the healing and opening of our Hearts and bringing more Love into our troubled world, has been being targeted by forces that do not want more Heart/Love/Peace in our world. The Heart of humanity has been being intentionally and slowly destroyed in many inconspicuous ways and this has to be realized and stopped as quickly as possible.
   My first Embracing Feelings book was about healing the Heart of humanity, mine included. My next edition will also be about saving the Heart of humanity from total destruction, mine included. But it won't be much different from the first one. It will be the resurrection of, and a better explanation of, the first one, with just a few new things added in.

P.S.  I went with a friend to see John Bradshaw and Richard Wagner in Boston around the late 1980s. John had shared his experiences with people trying to slander him in Texas, before he came to this  workshop. Due to this as well as other things I've noticed, I now feel that he and his work has been being covertly targeted. I recognize the signs, because they are the similar to what has been happening to me and my work. Various types of covert targeting seems to have been happening to many people whose work focuses on healing the Heart of humanity and I hope it is stopped as quickly as possible. This is extremely important work that can save humanity, literally. People whose hearts were born to do this type of work should not continue being harassed, sabotaged, degraded, hidden, threatened, plagiarized..etc. And the same goes for our work.

   I have been experiencing serious set backs with my Embracing Feelings work, from the start of it. Its not until recent years that I have noticed the patterns of obvious sabotaging of it by ill intending people.  I've not been able to do very much with my own inner healing part of it (which is extremely important to me) since the mid 1990s, when I began being slowly cast deeper and deeper into mere survival mode...etc. (There is more about the targeting in my Yearn for Freedom and Technological Holocaust books.)
   At this point, in 2019 I even feel like I have gone backwards within myself - that my heart is more blocked now than it was before the healing work I did in the mid 1980s. I have been inflicted with many painful losses and crisis, that I've not had the time or space or privacy or peace...etc., required to do my inner healing work. I am now even smoking again, in order to hold it off until I can fully dive into it without any sort of interference. In some ways I feel like a hypocrite, now. But I know I'm not really, because I have already done enough healing work for my writings about it to genuinely be from the wisdom of direct experience, which is important. I can't fully blame myself, because my work and I have been being sabotaged/targeted by other people and I DEEPLY yearn to get back to it, both inside myself and with my writings. The time for this feels long over due, for a VERY long time now. I have been feeling extremely frustrated that my hands and my heart and my work have been literally imprisoned and held there against my will, by people who have been hurting me. I have been so beat up, at this point, that I desperately need the freedom to get back to my work for the sake of my own health right now, as well as that of my writings. But I need total freedom and the resources to do it...all that has been torn from me restored...etc. Hopefully, soon. It can't wait much longer. Its already been too long for a lot of things. I feel indescribably sad about this whole situation, not only what has been happening to me and others whose work is about healing, but also the state of humanity because of it.

   My heart deeply related to Richard (Dick) Wagner's song, "Remember the child." It was a great source of validation for me as well as a trigger for the releasing of some of my suppressed pain around  the late 1980s. I feel that Richard was targeted and pulled away from deep inner healing work and the masses of Hearts he was touching with this song. This song should become a number one hit for eternity. His Heart should be remembered and continue being shared, not only to help touch other hearts, but also to defy those who targeted him. - 'ABC' me crying. Mama make me smile. Rock me in your arms a little while. 'ABC' me crying. Won't you love your child. EFG, I'm sorry. Daddy take my hand. Tell me what I've done so bad. EFG I wonder. Why are you so mad? Don't you love me Dad? Cross my heart I swear MA, I won't cry no more. I'll just lay in silence, down here on the floor... Cross my heart and hope to die if you don't want me anymore.... 'Doe ray' mean and angry words are all I hear, through my bedroom walls, Dad. Loud and clear. 'Do ray me' I lay awake and shake with fear. And wish I had no ears. Try to remember the child that once was you....Go on and close your eyes Mama. Take a little trip through time, Dad. Let it all come back to you and give unto every child the love... the love denied to you. And remember the child will remember his whole life time too." ~ Richard Wagner https://youtu.be/a7nnFrOVg5s

   Healing the inner child work does not only apply to severe domestic violence situations. All children have felt hurt or abandoned in varying degrees. Everyone has some suppressed pain that blocks their Hearts. None of us are pure and perfect. All of us have had some suppressed feelings of pain, and the issues it causes, which we carried into adulthood. None of our parents were perfect and we aren't perfect either, whether we are parents or not. And its not all only about family or childhood either. There are also many things in the rest of the world that we can feel hurt by and suppress and then later need to heal from.
   My own children probably felt abandoned during the time when my attention was glued to the Homecoming program on channel two and I repeatedly told them to go to their room to play as I watched it and cried for days...etc. And if they did they had a right to feel that way. My oldest daughter did not like John Bradshaw, because he made me cry. (If I'd known the show would trigger such a release I would have gotten a babysitter.) There is much that children can not understand and their feelings are valid and their pain is real even when they are from a lack of understanding. It is not just horrible abuse that causes pains to be suppressed and need to be later embraced and felt/released. In fact, it most often is not from intentional abuse and is from the horribly dysfunctional habit of suppressing little pains, instead of feeling/releasing them, until they accumulate into a huge blockage in our Hearts. This has been happening to most of humanity. 

Healing the world begins 

and finishes with the healing 

of our own individual Hearts.

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   It has always been known how important it is to embrace feelings, in order to recover from past problems. This is why psychiatrists used to have a person lay on a couch, not facing them, and often asked, "How did you feel about that?" Now most psychiatrists label the person as "mentally ill" and write out a prescription for pharmaceuticals, which prevent the healing process and often even hurts them more. What is wrong with this picture? Parts of the field of psychiatry has been being used in holocaustal crimes against humanity. Psychiatrists like Dr. Thomas Szasz stood up to stop it, but have not yet succeeded.

It is through embracing our feelings that we heal.
And we should NEVER forget this.

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   Those who believe in the Christian view of God are probably familiar with the bible's declarations, "God is Love" and "We must all become like children." These are two parts of the bible that have felt VERY true to me. And I strongly feel that "becoming like children" is not only about being honest and direct and literal, but is also about allowing unrestrained feelings...so that our Hearts remain connected to God. God's hands work through our Hearts and we must do our part, not only to help others, but also to keep our Hearts clear for Love to work through us.

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 Old suppressed pains are sometimes triggered and released when new pains naturally happen - like the loss of a loved one can trigger pain of a previous loss of a loved one...etc. But the deepest healing happens when we are not being inflicted with more pain and have enough safety and peace and support or privacy to open our Hearts.
   There are people who seem to use this concept of new pains triggering old suppressed pains as an excuse for intentionally inflicted abuse that they try to justify with things like "Its an opportunity for growth" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But the truth is that healing does not take place when a person is under attack. Pain should never be intentionally inflicted upon anyone. And embracing and releasing our suppressed pain is what makes us stronger and healthier.

There is no valid excuse for abuse.
It just shouldn't happen.

(This statement had been altered for a period time, by those who infiltrate computers I use.)

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   Some people believe that we can bypass the difficult healing process of Embracing Feelings through various types of mind or energy field manipulations...etc. Some believe in and push others to do things like, "Just choose bliss instead." But these are merely ways of avoiding the feelings, which MUST be fully felt and released, in order for us to heal and our Hearts and be truly free of them. Bypassing the feeling process merely keeps the Heart blocked. We were born with the natural ability to feel our feelings, because they have an important role in our process of personal growth. Avoiding them or blocking them prevents growth.

We should NEVER interfere with the natural process of thinking, feeling, healing and growing. We are born with perfect function of these capabilities. We just need to stop blocking them and start using them properly.
This especially applies to chemical and technological interference.

Sometimes what is good/healing is hard, but the rewards are worth the effort.

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   Through many decades now the Heart of humanity has been being damaged by criminal use of pharmaceuticals, which block people's Hearts and numb their minds... and also criminal use of both space and ground based radio wave technologies, which can be used to manipulate people's thoughts and feelings. This problem extends far beyond mild brainwashings and into holocaustal crimes against humanity. (Radio waves shot into the human brain can manipulate both natural thoughts and natural feelings.) This is the worse thing that has ever happened to humanity and it must be stopped as quickly as possible. 

Humanity needs to be set free from all that interferes with the natural process of thinking and feeling and growing, before the Hearts of it can truly heal and grow into all that it should be. 

Please help this to happen. Please read my Technological Holocaust book and do all that you can to stop criminal use all pharmaceuticals and technologies that have been being used against humanity.

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   Some people seem to have assumed that my poem/song, "Daddy I Forget", was written about sexual abuse, but its wasn't. It was written about me feeling and being abandoned by my father (and the rest of my family), while I was facing my childhood in the late 1980s. This was extremely painful for me.

   I am sure that my drive to heal and to take a bit of time to myself in order to do it without interference, was confusing and difficult for them too. None of us handled it well.And my family remained so angry with me that I was told to not  return to the family when I tried to bridge the gap. One member even told me to never return if I took time to myself. This cut me to the core. It was yet another thing for me to grieve and strive to heal from at a time when I was already overloaded. It was like a complete shunning where they all pulled together against me. I remember my counselor saying, "It won't be forever," but it feels like it almost has been at this point. It still aches inside that void where their Hearts should be in my life. It always has. I feel bad about my own mistakes with this. I should have done more to explain and reassure my family at that time, instead of just slamming up a wall of needing time....etc. I think some of them felt as abandoned by me as I did by them.

   In the mid 1990s I changed my legal name after deciding to write a book about Embracing Feelings, out of respect for my father's issues with the past and so that it wouldn't raise more problems within my family. I'd been through enough, too much actually. We all have.
   I wish we could have all pulled together to heal, which is what I had tried to instigate initially. Now we have even more to heal from and I still wish we could pull together to heal from that, without any sort of negative influences getting in the way. But we have not yet been able too, not even some of us, even though I have tried. (There have been forces working against all of us, which we are all victims of.)
    Around the year 2000 I tried again to reconnect with my family and had even shared an early  manuscript of my first Embracing Feelings book with my father. He sent it back to me, with edits and little sticky notes on it that said things like "I'm sorry" and "I love you." This meant so much to me, more than words can say. I felt like I not only had his blessing with it, but also his heart and acceptance of my feelings. It actually meant the world to me, almost. But the walls never completely came down and within a few years we were torn apart again. :(
   In 2012 I started publicly sharing my birth name (family name) in my writings, after realizing that my whole family was being targeted since at least around 1970. I felt, at that time, that exposing the targeting and standing up for my family was more important than my father's understandable wishes to not have our past known and to not have to deal with it. I respect his wishes for himself on this issue. I always have. But I still feel that the targeting of the family is more important and I hope his heart can forgive me for exposing the family name in my writings about the targeting. I hope that, eventually it will have a good outcome. I'm sorry Dad. I love you.

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It is through embracing Sadness that we find Compassion.

It is through embracing Fear that we find Courage.

It is through embracing Anger that we find Peace.

More may be coming soon.